rantings…
Tuesday, December 27th, 2005sense of belongingness…that’s something i realized ive never felt since i graduated from college…i dont want to hold on to my past but moving on to present times i feel as if there are a lot of good things in life im missing…the bigger world is indeed cruel! i have to equip myself more with defenses necessary for me to stand up in the dilemma i am in right now. the assurance of love from my family and friends do help a lot in my struggle but i still have to face the world on my own. kanya-kanyang diskarte lang.
this seems to be a late reaction. well, being a bum for 2 years my only concern then was how to get enough chi to contribute for the next "gulp session" and who my next source of yosi will be. it’s only fun, thrill and adventure i was after that after some time i got bored and encountered "the quarter-life crisis." so i tried to find employment and here i am right now an aquaculture grad working for a call center. i do love my job and at the same time i enjoy it. but there really comes a time when i ask if i really belong here, especially in times when i cant reach the goals set for us. i have a longing to work on the field where my heart belongs…
im such a jologs person…i prefer the rugged and outdoor lifestyle so sometimes i feel like im in a world where i dont belong…the world here at the city…the hardest thing for me to adjust is with the people i am with..i have a trauma in putting my trust on the wrong person so im quite cautious on who i deal with and who i consider real people. yes, i hate being a hypocrite and im too honest a person for pretentions…if im angry i dont keep it…if i dont think i can trust somebody or they dont trust me it’s so easy keep my distance without any regrets coz i dont want to go wasting my time..its nice to meet diverse friends but i just want to be careful..ive observed that i usually push away the people i meet…can somebody tell me what’s wrong with me…i just want to be myself and unless somebody tell me what i need to change im quite clueless also…i may feel something is right but its affecting negatively a lot of other persons…
there came a time also when i tried to freeze my emotions so that there wont be any feelings or reactions..well, its just a way of suppressing stress and it doesnt feel good.:>
i feel so helpless on what’s in line for me here right now…there seems to be nobody that i can turn too and sometimes its just so heavy a burden…i dont have any friends except for those i left at home(the idea really makes me weak and is pulling me down to the pits)…there really is no place like home and i wish to be there soon coz i only dont miss the place but i want to be with the people who makes me feel secured and i know for sure will always be there to support and be honest enough with me also…
